It's Been Three Years...

Three years ago today, I started this blog. 

That's pretty mind-boggling.

I had high expectations. I'm not going to lie. I didn't meet many of them, and I'm slowly becoming okay with that. My life has changed so much in these last three years, in huge part because of this blog. But, it's also changed a lot outside of it.

I'm going to talk a bit about that last part today. 

Because February is a weird month for me. It's a month that marks three different pivotal moments in my life. One, is this blog. The second is the three year anniversary of my childhood best friend and I parting ways (not amicably). It also, and most importantly, marks a promise I made to myself, and one I've kept to this day. 

So, for this three year blog anniversary, I'm going to do a bit of talking. Just a bit though. You see, talking isn't really my thing. I know, there's some people who just read that line and started laughing out loud. "CIARA!" They're saying, "you talk ALL THE TIME." That's true. I can be a bit of a chatterbox. I can be loud. I have a lot to say. I just have a lot of trouble saying it, sometimes.

My mom once said that I "over-compensate." I talk a lot and loudly so no one will ask me actual questions. I don't know if she even remembers saying that, but it's always stuck with me because it is so accurate. I don't like talking about my feelings. I don't like talking about things that upset me. The words get stuck between my teeth and my lips and I never have the courage or will to push them past there.

I've opened up a little bit over the last few years here. The most in my post in November about depression and important books. And, I'm not going to do much more than that today. The hardest thing in the world is to talk when something is wrong. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. Asking questions, admitting I don't know the answer, makes me feel ill. It has since childhood. But I know it's important. I know talking helps. I know talking is the only way to break a stigma I've been dealing with for almost nine years. But I'm not ready. Not just yet. 

So today, on my three year blog anniversary, I'm going to be talking about books on mental health. It's a subject I think is so so important and I champion these books as much as I can. But, and I just realized this recently, I don't read a lot of them. I always get excited to read them, buy them when they come out, but then they sit on my shelf because I'm too scared to pick them up. I don't know if I can handle seeing myself reflected in them. I don't know how I'll react to them.  I used to read them all the time without worry, back when I was way worse off than now. But, there's something that's stopping me this time. Something I need to overcome.

Because, they're important. They're impacting and powerful and heart-breaking and real. So, I'm going to make it a goal this year to read all those books about mental health I have sitting on my shelf. I'm going to see if they help me again, like they did years ago. And maybe one day, I'll be able to talk about my struggles. I hope one day I can. But, for now, I'll talk about one of the most important things in my life: books.

Here are a couple of my favourites, and even more on my TBR:

Fall For Anything/This is Not a Test by Courtney Summers

(My Review of This is Not a Test)

- I'll champion these books (and all of Courtney's books) until everyone I know has read them, because they are so important. They are honest and real and unflinching. They are the kind of books that help people. 

Saving Francesca/The Piper's Son by Melina Marchetta

- If we're talking about books that have impacted me the most, Saving Francesca is incredibly high on that list. It broke my heart because it so closely reflected the hardships people with mental illness (and people with family struggling with mental illness) face. One of the most beautiful books I've ever read, and The Piper's Son was a stunning follow-up.

 

Dr. Bird's Advice for Sad Poets by Evan Roskos

- Tackles the issue of depression with grace and heart. This book is so underrated, in my opinion. It really is amazing.

 

Falling Into Place by Amy Zhang

- My favourite read last year, and one that handled the complexities of mental illness with skill and unflinching honesty. This book was not pretty, but messy and hard and realistic. Also beautifully written.

 

The Program/The Treatment by Suzanne Young

(My review of The Program)

- Heart-breaking in every way, this duology was stunning.

Mind Games/Perfect Lies by Kiersten White

(My review of Mind Games)

- This beautiful, stunning, heart-breaking series tackles depression and PTSD and by God, does Kiersten White do it well. 

 

Incarnate/Asunder/Infinite by Jodi Meadows

(My review of Incarnate, Asunder)

- Although not completely focused on this, the Newsoul trilogy addresses the affects of abuse and it is as heart-breaking as it is powerful. 

Pretty Girl-13 by Liz Coley

- We read this for book club and you could tell how deeply it affected everyone. It was an intense read.

 

Crash Into You by Katie McGarry

- I had to feature Crash Into You because it hits so close to home for me. Rachel, the main character, suffers from severe anxiety. At the time I was reading this, my anxiety had manifested itself in a stomach illness, much like Rachel in this novel. Anxiety isn't one of those mental illness topics I read about a lot, and I loved the way it was handled in this novel.

Impulse by Ellen Hopkins

- This was one of the first books I read about mental illness and it has stayed with me for almost seven years. Ellen Hopkins is brutal, but in such a good way. 

And here is a list of just a few of the books I have on my TBR:

Books I Own 

My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga

Riders of the Apocalypse Series by Jackie Morse Kessler

It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson

All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson

This Song Will Save Your Life by Leila Sales

Books To Be Released

Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella 

Not After Everything by Michelle Levy

Books I Plan To Borrow/Buy/Read

Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock by Matthew Quick

Wild Awake by Hilary T. Smith

I Was Here by Gayle Forman

The Last Time We Say Goodbye by Cynthia Hand

Pointe by Brandi Colbert

Charm & Strange/Complicit by Stephanie Kuehn

I may have trouble talking about THINGS but these authors don't. Here are some moving and important posts by authors and bloggers about mental illness.

Kelly Jensen's Post on Reading While Depressed

Stephanie Perkins' Post "Where My Head is At"

Myra McEntire's Post "The Shame of Depression"

Courtney Summer's Post on Writing Cracked Up to Be

 
Do you guys have some suggestions? Any books I really need to add to my list? Let me know!

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

On FALL FOR ANYTHING, Depression, and How Affecting Books Can Be

There are a few books out there that have really and truly affected me. That have found pieces of my heart I don't really talk about, and reminded me how important they are. Paper Towns by John Green is one of those books. The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater is one of those books. And Fall For Anything by Courtney Summers is one of those books. 

Well, how do I even begin this post?

There is one thing I ask of certain people reading this. If I know you personally apart from the blogging community, I ask you this: please don't ask me about what I'm writing here. If you read the post, that's fine, but don't message me with sympathies or questions. If I haven't told you yet, it's because I'm not ready to. So please, please, do not push me into being ready before I am.

(Note: there's some slight spoilers for Fall For Anything in this post. I'll tag them as best as I can)

I was kind of petrified to reread this book. Because I knew it was going to take me back into the place I was when I first read it. I'm not going to get into too many details. I could write a novel about what has happened over the last seven years but I am in no way ready to share that part of me. But, Fall for Anything means so much to me because of what has happened, so I knew I needed to say something about it. To put it simply: I started suffering from depression when I was 13. It wasn't that bad then. Lots of self-hatred, lots of memory loss, lots of tiredly pushing myself through the day. It progressively got worse though. To the point where I was barely functioning some days. At the age of 17, when I read Fall For Anything, I was worse than I had ever been before. This book is about grief, yes. It's also about depression. About getting to the point where you're desperate to just feel something. About feeling like your whole world is in pieces around you, and you cannot fathom how you'll put them back together again.

(Some spoilers in this paragraph) When I flipped to that last page, I felt ruined. I felt like Summers had ripped me open for everyone to see. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I have literally never had such a physical reaction to a book like I did with Fall For Anything. I should've known (it is a Courtney Summers book after all) but I truly believed, no, truly needed to find out why. I'm one of those people that just needs to know as much as I can. I love knowledge. I love logic. There's always a reason for something. And there was a reason for Eddie's father's suicide. But, we never find out what it is. Eddie never finds why her father jumped. I don't think I realized how much I was clinging to the hope of finally finding out the why until the end of the novel. This book asked a question I would never have the answer to, and that rocked me to the core. I kept thinking to myself, "What if I had gone through with it?". Would people always wonder why? Would the agony of not knowing eat away at them, like it ate away at Eddie? The way it was eating at me right now? It was such a slap in the face to me. It woke me up. Because, despite all the death in this book, to me, it reminded me what it means to be alive.

The ending of FALL FOR ANYTHING isn't a happy one. But, it was the right one. And it gave me a sense of hope. That things are going to get better. That they're going to be horrible and awful and painful but eventually they will be better. That life won't stay this bad. That there's more out there to look forward to, instead of clinging to his hopelessness. 

In a way, I wish I read this book a month later. Because, that September brought with it about six months of absolute hell. And, I forgot. I forgot the feeling, forgot the questions I had, forgot what this book showed me. Not permanently. I still thought about it once in a while. I still had that aha moment. But, I had trouble concentrating on anything other than making it through the day. The thing is though, September was also the start of me (eventually) getting the help I needed. And, every time I look at FALL FOR ANYTHING, it gives me that reminder. 

I'm doing a lot better. Last summer, I was probably doing better than I have for the last five years. I was happy. It's one of those things that is hard no, not even just hard, near impossible for me to say. I didn't know what that meant for many years that now I even doubt myself. I feel a very tenuous hold on this state of mind and I never want to push it. At the moment, I've slipped back to my numb sort of phase. University always seems to bring that out in me. I don't really feel much of anything most days. But I have some really good ones. I have some really bad ones. I know I'm working my way towards better. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it. I have a very great support system now. Better than I ever have before. 

Anyways, what I really want to say is a giant THANK YOU to Courtney Summers for writing this book that, in a way, changed my life. And for writing books that don't shy away from topics like this. Because, people need them. I needed this book. And I'll be forever grateful for Courtney Summers for writing it.

(Also to Kelly for telling me she had an awesome author I needed to read).

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight) 

Review: Paper Towns by John Green

Title: Paper Towns

Author: John Green

Publisher: Dutton Books

Release Date: October 16th, 2008

My Rating: 5/5

Quentin Jacobsen has spent a lifetime loving the magnificently adventurous Margo Roth Spiegelman from afar. So when she cracks open a window and climbs back into his life–dressed like a ninja and summoning him for an ingenious campaign of revenge–he follows. 

After their all-nighter ends and a new day breaks, Q arrives at school to discover that Margo, always an enigma, has now become a mystery. But Q soon learns that there are clues–and they’re for him. Urged down a disconnected path, the closer he gets, the less Q sees of the girl he thought he knew. (Summary from John Green's website)

Crying at work was not something I planned for that day, but it happened anyway. I flipped to the last page of Paper Towns and couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes. Even re-reading this book, it managed to reach into my heart and tug parts of me I like to keep hidden.

The first time I read this book, it connected to me completely. I have never been happy with the city I live in and have been plotting to escape since childhood. At the time of reading this book, I was working hard in my senior year of high school so I could receive a great scholarship, and finally leave. Besides being hilarious, this book made me feel vindicated about my desperate need for escape. 

The second time reading it, my connection changed. Because this time when I had read it, my life had taken a completely different route. My hard work got me a scholarship, but I still could not afford to go to a university in a different city. Two of the most important people in my life had walked out of it, and left serious damage in their wake. I had lost my desire to leave, because I could not even picture how it was possible anymore. I was in a completely different situation than I thought I would be just months before, and one that I was not happy with. I picked up Paper Towns, and it, once again, helped me with all the problems I was dealing with. This time around, the idea of people's judgements of you was at the forefront. I could completely understand the idea of being placed in an impossible box, a box other people created for you, a box I never wanted to be in, and one that people could not accept you stepping out of. There was a pivotal conversation in the book which gave me so much insight into what I was going through at the time. I finally felt like all my feelings were put into eloquent words spoken from a boy who had to face the same reality I did. We imagine people a certain way, but that's a distorted reality, and one that is imposed on us daily. I can't be who everyone wants me to be, but I can be myself. And if that isn't enough for certain people, then they aren't meant to be in my life. Tough thing to accept, and something I'm still coming to terms with.

The book itself was just fantastic. The only way to understand how amazing it is is to read it. The characters are realistic, hilarious, stunning in their truthfulness, and will become a part of you. John Green has a way of telling you your most broken thoughts, making you look at them squarely, and telling you how to handle them. This book had me crying of laughter, and smiling like crazy. It had me re-evaluating myself, and changed my out-look on life. If that isn't the sign of a fantastic book, I don't know what is.

I had to include a quote from the book because it is simply everything that I learned, felt, and realized from Paper Towns.

"It is easy to forget how full the world is of people, full to bursting, and each of them imaginable and constantly misimagined."

As a little bonus to the review, I made a mini-playlist. The book had me thinking about going on a road trip, so I made a playlist of the songs that make me think of those montage-driving moments (there's 48 songs, but here's only 19 (for my almost age!)). I linked the songs to YouTube so anyone can listen to them. The name of my playlist? Escape from the Paper Towns:


1. New York (Saint in the City) - The Academy Is...
2. Summer of '69 - Bryan Adams
3. We Are Young - Fun.
4. Lucky Street - Go Radio
5. So Far Away (Bonus Track) - Mayday Parade
6. I Woke Up in a Car - Something Corporate
7. The Space Between - Valencia
8. Where Did You Go? - Valencia
9. Vagabond - Wolfmother
10. Take this to Heart - Mayday Parade
11.The Middle - Jimmy Eat World
12. Middle of Nowhere - Hot Hot Heat
13. Radar Love - Golden Earring
14. Ready to Go (Get Me Out of My Mind) - Panic! At the Disco
15. So, In This Hour... - The Rocket Summer
16. Days Like Masquerades - The Academy Is...
17. Jaime All Over - Mayday Parade
18. Toasted Skin - The Academy Is... (could not find on YouTube)
19. Hurricane - Something Corporate


**There could be swear words or inappropriate images in the video. I didn't make them, so I don't know. :)

As a final note, I've included a picture of my senior yearbook. Why? Well, I just so happened to quote a line from Paper Towns, one that gives me hope even in those dark times.

 DFTBA!


- Ciara who is lost at midnight