Growing Up in YA

I've been working on this post for over two years. It's something I've thought about a lot recently and something I've had a bit of a hard time grappling with.

Today, I'm talking about what it's like to grow up in YA. To grow from YA's target audience to outside of it. To realize that the characters you identified with, loved, hated, cheered for, are suddenly younger than you. Because, when I first started reading YA, at fourteen, they were almost always older. And then as a got older, the same age. And as I entered my 20s, it was a hard thing to realize the characters didn't age right along with me.

It all started with Silver Shadows by Richelle Mead. 
 

When Bloodlines was first released, I was seventeen. Sydney Sage, the narrator, was eighteen. I liked that we were so close in age. As I was aging up, I liked reading older narrators. 

When I was reading Silver Shadows, the fifth book in the series, I realized something that startled me. In it, Sydney was nineteen. That took me aback. I was used to reading Sydney when she was older than me. She was always mature, responsible, clearly older than my I-can't-even-figure-out-how-to-do-the-laundry self. But...she wasn't. By the time I was reading Silver Shadows, I was actually two years older than Sydney. How the hell did that happen? (Okay, logistically I know how that happened but really how the hell did that happen). 

Not long after the Sydney incident, I couldn't sleep. So, I picked up one of my favourite books, Stray by Rachel Vincent, in hopes that it would help me relax. It's not a YA book, but it really drove home what had been nagging me these last couple of years.  

I remember when I first picked up Stray. I was doing what fifteen-year-old me did best: searching my library's catalog endlessly for a new read. Stray sounded really interesting, in the same vein as the books I'd been reading but also really different. I brought it home and promptly read the entire thing in basically one sitting. I didn't know it was an adult book at the time just that loved it completely. It sucked me right in. Even all these years later, it still does. As I was reading the beginning this time around, a sentence set off alarm bells in my head.

"In my entire twenty-three years, I'd never heard of a stray getting this far into our territory without being caught..."

Twenty-three. 

Faythe was twenty-three. When I first read Stray, I thought Faythe was...well...old. She was eight-years older than me. At fifteen, I couldn't even imagine being twenty-three. Faythe was in grad school; I was in grade ten. Faythe had two guys after her; I'd never even been on a date. Faythe was independent; I was not even slightly. 

In less than two months, I will turn twenty-three.  I will be the same age Faythe was at the beginning of the series. And it's jarring. My image of Faythe is altered because now I see her as a peer, not as an adult. I don't have the same perspective on the story as I did at fifteen.

Growing up in YA is just weird. You go from being younger than the characters, to the same age, to older. But it doesn't feel like that. It feels like you're still their age when you read YA. 

YA has always been around in some form, but during my early teen years YA BOOMED. My book store went from having a couple of YA shelves to having entire walls. And I devoured it. There were so many books I could read, so many worlds I could enter. It was my sanctuary when I needed it the most. It became the thing I revolved my life around. And it still is. I want to work in YA (in whatever form that ends up taking). I want to keep reading YA. I want to champion and sing YA's praises from the rooftops.

But, YA isn't my space anymore. Not really. It's a space I get to enjoy, a community I have my roots in, and something I care so deeply about. But, I'm not a teen anymore and YA should be written for teens. There's been a lot of talk recently about how adults needs to respect teen spaces, particularly in the YA community. It's important to remember that YA is for TEENS, not adults. And I understand. I understand how hard it is to let go of this space, to understand that as much as I enjoy it, as much as I will never truly leave it, it isn't being written for me anymore.

My bestie and I were talking about this and she said that since we were around for the YA boom it feels like it's ours. It's something we don't want to give up. And we don't have to. We don't have to stop reading, loving, and championing YA. But, we have to acknowledge our place in it. Which is, in a sense, outside of it. I'm not going to pretend its easy, cause it's not. It breaks my heart. It feels like I've lost something, even though I really haven't. But, I'm slowly coming around to it. Because I'm getting an entirely new perspective on YA, in a sense. And dammit, I can read whatever the heck I like. 

I'm not good at growing up. I never really have been. I hate birthdays and age questions and not being the youngest in the room (long story). And I know I'm not the only one. And I know I'm probably not the only one having this weird how-did-I-get-older-than-these-characters feelings. It's a hard thing to acknowledge, but one I think is incredibly important. 

I'll never stop reading YA. I just need to find my new place in it.

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

This Is Not a Test (Pages 158 - the end): Discussion Post

Hey, all!

Here is the third and final discussion post for THIS IS NOT A TEST by Courtney Summers for the Read-Along! Read on and tell me your thoughts on the novel!

You still have a couple more hours left to enter to win a set of Courtney Summers books! Good luck!

***WARNING: Spoilers for THIS IS NOT A TEST***

Since this is the final discussion post of the Read-Along (*tear*), I decided to do this a bit differently. Normally, I go through the section and talk about the major plot points and ask you guys questions. I'll do a bit of that, but I kind of wanted to talk about why I love this book.

When I was interviewed for my job at Chapters, I was asked what my favourite book was. This Is Not a Test, I told them. I talked about the writing. The characters. How it was more than a 'zombie book'. I think I could've gone on for hours if they asked me too. I still could. There are just so many things that are amazing about this book. It's about the end of the world. It's about how your past grips you and doesn't let go. It's about kids growing up while the world is falling down. It's about learning to find something to live for.

Something that makes the book brilliant is Courtney's writing itself. The way her words seep into your head. The way they make you jump at every little sound, or clutch the book with fear. The words become so vivid that it's difficult to separate yourself from them. In Harrison's death scene, I felt physically ill. I could picture his ragged face so clearly. Could feel Cary's agony from his decision. I felt worn out, ripped apart and, in the end, put back together again. In the final scene, Sloane is back where she started and she says one of the most striking lines of the whole book is in this seen. "She won't recognize me when she sees me. I look like someone who has survived" It's startling. It's gut-wrenchig. But it's oddly hopeful. Because she did survive. Not just the apocalypse but the demons in her previous life.

Every character in this book is so realistic. So believable. They piss you off and break your heart and make you want to live for them. Grace with her kind heart and her secrets. Harrison with his fear and, in the end, his bravery. Cary with his self-hatred and strength. Rhys with his terrible burden and his fierce will to live. And Sloane. Sloane with her hopelessness, and her courage, and her fight, and her broken soul. I talked about my struggle with depression last month, but when I wrote my original review of This Is Not a Test, I wasn't ready to talk about it. I never mentioned why I loved Sloane so much, not really. I loved her for so many reasons but one of them being I could identify with her hopelessness. I had been there before. I could remember waking up everyday and wondering what was the point in moving. In living at all. It broke my heart reading about Sloane because I just wanted her to realize that she was more than what other people broke her down to be. And in the end when she finally decided to live, I felt so incredibly happy for her. She went through hell and back but she made it. This was a novel about surviving a zombie apocalypse but, it was also a novel about a young woman moving forward. And about her learning that she is something to live for.

I feel like I could talk about this book forever but really it boils down to one thing: this book is amazing. It's thoughtful and broken and everything I want in a novel. It made me think about what being alive means. I want to give this book to everyone I met because I think it's so important. There's something in this book for everyone. I hope you found your something in this book. I really did.

So, I'm opening the floor to you guys. Did you read This Is Not a Test? What did you think about? Did you find your something to hold on to?

Tomorrow, I say farewell to the Courtney Summers Read-Along.

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

This Is Not a Test (Pages 85 - 157): Discussion Post

 
Hey guys!

Here is the second discussion post for THIS IS NOT A TEST for the Courtney Summers Read-Along! I'm going to be having a big double final discussion post, hopefully going up tomorrow. Monday will be the wrap-up post and that's it! We're in the home stretch all!

If you haven't already, be sure to ENTER THIS GIVEAWAY for a set of Courtney Summers books!

***WARNING: Spoilers for pages 1 - 157 of THIS IS NOT A TEST****

Oh boy, guys. This section was a crazy one. It starts off with Trace announcing that his father is still alive and outside the school. It seems to good to be true, but with such little hope in their world, you can tell Trace is desperate to believe it. Sloane volunteers to go out and investigate, which gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach. I didn't really think she would die (there are another 200 plus pages to go! Although I wouldn't put it past Courtney to have her turn into a zombie and have zombie Sloane narrate the rest of the book) but I was really worried about the outcome. Because she was planning to die. This was her opportunity to die with honor. Until dear Rhys steps in, throwing a major wrench into that plan. And now the stakes are even higher. As I was reading this, I was so completely engrossed. The eerie silence outside, the panic when the gate clangs, and the apprehension when approaching the man had me completely on edge. Were you guys as nervous as I was?

It's not Mr. Casper. Sloane tries to get Rhys to go back so she can escape. And then, all hell breaks lose. This is one of the only instances of zombies in the book and it is effing scary. It's frantic, and horrid and made worse by the fact that Sloane gives up. In these kind of situations, we're used to the heroine scrambling for escape. Fighting tooth and nail to live. But Sloane fights to save Rhys, and gives up on herself. When the zombie is about to kill her she says "This is it. Finally." Even in the face of a horrific death, she still longs for an end. Thankfully, Rhys is there to prevent that. And to get her to safety, even if she doesn't seem to want it. What did you guys think about Sloane's reaction?

Another big thing in this scene is Sloane decision to sacrifice not-Mr. Casper for the sake of Rhys life. It's a split-second decision, but one with horrible consequences. And a decision that was made before, by a different person. A drunken night leads to a confession from Cary that he did know the alley was swarmed but he let them go in anyways. That it was supposed to be Harrison who died. Reading this scene, you can see how much agony this decision cost him. He may have saved the lives of five other people, but two people died in the process. It's tragic. It's a tough, heart-breaking scene to read. But I think it's so good. Because it's realistic. I mean, there hasn't been a zombie apocalypse so it's hard to say what's "realistic" or not, but I think this scene is. These kids are facing life and death choices everyday, and there really is no right way to choose. And each choice eats away at them. I like that Courtney Summers doesn't shy away from such a gut-wrenching scene. Although I love Cary, so seeing him so upset was pretty hard. What did you guys think?

Last thing I'm going to touch on is the creepy "is there a ghost/Sloane's dad" in the school thing. At the beginning, it seems like maybe Sloane is just imagining things after her near-death experience. But, it soon becomes obvious she's not. Someone is in the school. And that someone turns out to be Mr. Baxter, their English teacher. He's not doing so well, and suspicions start to fly about him. He doesn't remember how he got in, and this lack of memory could cost all of them their lives. Rhys and Cary think he's lying, and Sloane doesn't know what to believe. They got to find where he got in though, and fast. Do you guys think Mr. Baxter is lying? Or are these characters starting to let paranoia get the better of them? 

Either way, there's a lot of book left and a LOT more craziness to happen. Get ready to have your heart ripped to shreds, lovely read-alongers.

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)   

This Is Not a Test (Pages: 1 - 84): Discussion Post

Hi guys!

It's coming to you late (once again, sorry!) but here is the first discussion post for THIS IS NOT A TEST by Courtney Summers!

****WARNING: Spoilers for pages 1 - 84 of THIS IS NOT A TEST****

Oh man, guys. It took me a lot of effort to put down this book. I may have read it before, but THIS IS NOT A TEST just gets right into my heart and doesn't let go.  I feel so completely invested in the characters in this book that it's hard to walk away. They're just so real to me, and really make this story phenomenal.

THIS IS NOT A TEST starts off with a suicide note. A horrible, heartbreaking note carried through the first chapter that rips you apart with each new line. As does Sloane, the writer for said note and the victim of abuse. It doesn't take long for you to see the effects suffered by Sloane and her grief over her sister's abandonment. It also doesn't take long until the zombies come busting down her door. We get just enough of both in this short first chapter. Enough to understand Sloane and enough to set the terrifying atmosphere. How did you guys like the beginning?

I think one of the most interesting things about THIS IS NOT A TEST is that it goes against many conventions of a zombie novel while still retaining the inherent spookiness. A staple in zombie books is a narrator that is desperate to survive. In this case, Sloane doesn't care if she lives or dies. Before the apocalypse even happens, she had decided to end her life and once it does, it just makes her more resigned. She's a different characters from what we're used to seeing, and one that breaks your heart. What did you guys think of Sloane?

Now, we get to meet our cast of characters. Cary, the survivor and unintentional leader. Trace and Grace, twins, one angry and one gentle. Harrison, the youngest and most scared. And Rhys, mysterious yet caring. The thing about them, though, is that they don't have a "set role." They're people. They evolve throughout the story so that even their most basic roles don't fit them. And I love that because it makes them real. How do you like the characters so far?

All the characters are suffering from heartbreak and loss, most recently the loss of Trace & Grace's parents. And Cary's possible role in their deaths. Trace blames him, and Grace a bit too. They're both grieving and don't know how to handle it. I feel so awful for Cary though who has to endure this onslaught of anger over and over. He's just a kid. They're all just kids. Kids in a world where you can't be anymore. We see each of them handle their fear and loss a different way in these first few chapters. And we see Sloane still not find any reason to keep going. 

I distinctly remember the first time I read THIS IS NOT A TEST. I had been absorbed all day with this book, and ended up reading well into the night. Every time a I would read a thump in the book I would look up and check the door because it was so real. I honestly could hear the thumping in my mind and was getting more and more petrified as the story went on. And, the thing is, I can count on one hand the times we see a zombie in the book. Courtney Summers just creates such a vivid atmosphere that we don't even need to see the monsters to be afraid of them. There's a thumping that begins in this first section that becomes the backtrack of this story. There is that constant fear of the death waiting just outside their door. Did you guys feel as scared as I did (as I still do reading it a second time)?

What did you guys think of the beginning of THIS IS NOT A TEST? Let me know in the comments!

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

Fall For Anything (Pages 116 - the end): Discussion Post

 
Hey all!

So, I know this is coming weeks late but here is the final discussion post for FALL FOR ANYTHING! I tried to keep it a bit short but I don't think I really succeeded!

***WARNING: Spoilers for FALL FOR ANYTHING by Courtney Summers***

Okay, can we please talk about that kiss? I mean, ALL THE FEELS GUYS. I wasn't really sure if I saw Eddie and Milo ever being a couple but as soon as this kiss happened, it all just clicked. I was smiling and giddy and excited reading it. It was one of the first happy moments in the book. And although it didn't stay happy for long, it was still such a great moment. Because, unlike the kiss with Culler, this one was was tinged with hope, not sadness. It confused Eddie, yes, but she also seemed hopeful about it, if only for a brief moment. What did you guys think of the kiss?

After the kiss we have a very uncomfortable scene with Milo, Eddie, and Culler at an abandoned school house. My feelings on Culler are still pretty apprehensive at this point. I don't know whether I believe him/if I think his involvement is only going to hurt Eddie more. Milo says something horrible here but, it also might be true. All of them are searching for messages from Eddie's father, messages he seems to have left for them to find. Milo says: "But if he left messages for you to torture yourself with...I think less of him." Obviously, this really upsets Eddie. These messages are the hope she is clinging to. She can't think less of them. But, as an outside observer, what do we think? Are these messages just giving her false hope? Are they just going to lead to more questions? Or, are they what Eddie needs to move on? At this point, I can't really tell. There doesn't seem to be a why to them, at least not yet.

At the end of the third section, Eddie and Culler have set off on this road trip to find the other messages her father left. And there's a line that had me in tears. "I'm hopeful. I can't remember the last time I felt hopeful." It's so simple. There isn't some long-winded soliloquy about life and death and happiness and such. Instead, just a few simple words to rip you apart. Because it is such a beautiful thing, to feel hope. And Eddie hasn't, not really, not in this entire book. So for her to say that is such a huge thing. And my oh my, did it have me all teary.

I'm skipping ahead juuuust a little bit to the scene inside the abandoned house. I can't even begin to describe how heart breaking it is. Could you imagine? Seeing those horrible words written on the wall from your dead father? The words that confirm all your worst nightmares? It utterly ruins Eddie and, as the reader, I felt such enormous heartbreak. I also felt kind of angry. Eddie didn't deserve this. Any of it. And to have such a destructive note left behind was just another stab in the back. It just made me want to hug her. And help her. And do whatever I could to stop the pain she was feeling, full well knowing there was nothing that would ever make it better.

Culler and Eddie head to a motel after that, and end up taking pictures of Eddie without any clothes on. It's kind of a jarring scene though. Eddie, really, has been pretty exposed to the reader mentally this whole time. We have lived these agonizing days inside her head, witnessed her complete grief in every way. This scene is kind of the culmination of that. Of Eddie completely exposing herself, her grief, for everyone to see. In a sense, this is her way of living, of reminding herself that she's still there.

Then, its the morning after and Culler is gone. No note. Not goodbye. Just complete abandonment. To say I was LIVID is a serious understatement. Eddie tries to rationalize it, but even she can't. Not really. As the reader I wanted to hunt Culler down and punch him clear across the face. Eddie has been through enough. How in the world could he put her through more? Because people are selfish like that, I guess. But not Milo. Milo who drives some fourteen hours to pick up Eddie. Who still takes her to the church to find the last note. Who takes her to Culler and circles the block, even though he just wants to protect her from more grief.

And then the big, heartbreaking, breath-stealing reveal: it was all a lie. Culler wrote the messages. Even though I had read this book before, it was such a shock to my system. I couldn't believe it. It was just simply horrible. Such a horrible, selfish, cruel thing to do. Eddie doesn't really even know what to do with herself. She has been pushing herself to find the why. Hasn't really let herself think of anything else. And now, she finds out the why was never within her reach. It was all just a lie concocted by a grieving boy who thought more about himself than her. 

One of the things I love about Courtney Summers books is that the characters are never black and white. There aren't "good guys" and "bad guys". There are people, and other people. Not a single character is perfect. All of them have their faults. But they're all so incredibly human. I'm going to get into this thought more when we talk about This Is Not a Test this month but I really wanted to mention it now in regards to Culler. Because no, Culler doesn't really fall under the "good guy" category. But, is he really in the "bad guy" category either? Yes, he does some really NOT OKAY things. But, he didn't do it out of malice. He did it out of some sense of grief and desperation. It wasn't right. There really isn't anything he could ever do to make it right, but I don't think it necessarily makes him a bad person. Misguided, without a doubt. But also broken.  Even after my second read, I can't really put my finger on Culler. And, you know, I think that might be the point (and I'm actually okay with this question being left unanswered).

We end the story where it all began: on the roof of Tarver's. Without answers, with tons of questions, but with hope. Something that definitely wasn't there when the story began. Hope. Hope that peace is in reach. That Eddie may be able to finally move forward. It's a perfectly imperfect ending. And the one Eddie needed.

There's kind of a reason I took so long to read this book. I was, honestly, afraid of it. It took a bit of courage to pick it back up again (although when it was in my hands it was hard to put it back down). I talked about why here, but to summarize: this book hits me right in the heart. It hits me in all the vulnerable places and that makes it frightening. But also important. Books like these are important. Because they address the issues people shy away from. They talk about issues people are suffering from every single day. They start the conversation. And they give people hope. This book gave me hope. And that is the most amazing thing in the world.

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

Fall For Anything (Pages 60 - 115): Discussion Post

Hi all!

So much for me sticking to the schedule, right? In my defense, I still have around 15 books I need to read for school by December 5th and three essays to write in the meantime. So, I'm pretty behind on everything. Anyways, lets talk FALL FOR ANYTHING!

***WARNING: Spoilers for pages 1 - 115 of FALL FOR ANYTHING***

I neglected to talk about one of the major plot points in last week discussion, because I thought it would work better here. That plot point? One Culler Evans. I don't know about you guys, but I always had a very suspicious feeling about this guy. Maybe it's cause Eddie meets him in an abandoned warehouse where her father committed suicide, or maybe it's just his demener. Either way, I was pretty wary about Culler from the start. He doesn't really do anything to warrant these suspicions though. As a matter of fact, Culler has really only helped Eddie at this point. The thing that is so attractive about Culler (for Eddie at least) is his ability to show her more of her father. Culler offers a side of her dad Eddie never really knew, and with her grief becoming all-consuming, she's clearly desperate to hold on to as much of him as she can. Not only that, she seems to have found a person just as desperate to know why as she is. What are your opinions on Culler? Do you think he's going to be a helping hand, or lead Eddie to an even darker path?

One thing we also get in this section is a different, almost indifferent reaction to Eddie's father's death. Everyone thus far has been sympathetic to Eddie, but Maggie, despite having worked with her father, doesn't seem to really care about his death. She doesn't seem very sad about it. This scene kind of offers a sort of stark reality: that life is moving forward without her father, and Eddie just can't. I don't understand how people can be so unsympathetic. Clearly Maggie cares more about the rent money than she does people, and its angering. Eddie picks up what her father left behind, and it's less than she expected. Just one lone box. The box. The mysterious, promising box. It could be filled with just about anything and Eddie has a secret hope that maybe it'll finally give her the answer to her father's suicide. But, it's just a disappointment for her. Another mystery. I think we all were, in a way, expecting some sort of clue to his death. That the box was going to finally offer why. I know I hoped it would give me an answer. Or maybe a reason. But really, it just gave Eddie more hopelessness.

Then, after Eddie's emotional breakdown, Culler kisses her. I feel reading this scene, a weird kind of dichotomy. On one hand, I see how Eddie kind of needs this. She's craving some sort of feeling besides grief. She also wants to feel that connection, to know she's not completely alone in her sadness. "This is a kiss for the dead. We miss my father too much for it to mean more" she says. At the same time, as the reader, we can see how Culler may be taking advantage of the situation. I feel like this could end in more pain for Eddie, and I really don't want her to get hurt more than she already is. How did you guys feel about the kiss?

Early in this section, we get a really important scene between Eddie and Milo. This novel really gives us a glimpse into how grief affects everything around you. Particularly, your relationships. Eddie doesn't know how to connect to Milo anymore because she can't see around her grief for more than a few minutes. And Milo doesn't seem to be able to give Eddie what she wants (his knowledge about the night her father died) and together they can't seem to move forward. They're kind of at a stand-still. But, you can see how much they care about each other. Just that they can't seem to find away to make it okay.

Then Beth comes in and angers me even more.  Sometimes, you just can't handle it. Sometimes that pain is so great you can't keep  it bottled up anymore. And Eddie snapped at her mother. She didn't mean it, and she sure as hell did not deserve to be told by Beth that "She was trying and you ruined it." Ugh, that line made me feel a bit sick. It felt like a punch in the gut. I want to shake Beth, make her see that Eddie is trying her best but it's too much for her to handle. And you know what? Her mom is an adult. Beth is an adult. Eddie isn't. She's kid who lost her father. Yes, kids are stronger than most people give them credit for but that doesn't mean they should bear the burden of grief on their own. Beth seems to act like Eddie's grief doesn't matter. That she should, in a way, just get over it. Which, in my opinion, is frankly horrible. You can't pick and choose who gets to grieve and how they handle it. Maybe this isn't Beth's intention, but she doesn't seem to want to help Eddie either. What do you guys think about Beth?

Oddly enough, I kind of feel the same irrational dislike for Missy that Eddie feels. I simply love Eddie and Milo together. They have this kind of solid, powerful friendship which I'm kind of envious of. When Missy comes along, she threatens that and Eddie reacts accordingly. She's lost so much already, she can't lose Milo too. We find out at the end of this chapter that what we thought was going on between Milo and Missy isn't really what Eddie assumed (and what Milo didn't correct). But what's worse, we find out Milo told Missy about the night of Eddie's fathers suicide. It's a pretty harsh blow to Eddie. She feels like he, in a way, betrayed her. It really breaks my heart, this last scene, especially when she says "I'm always leaving, but I never have anywhere to go."

This book is going to ruin me again, I can just tell.

What did you guys think of this section?

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

Some Girls Are (Pages 125 - 181): Discussion Post

Hey, guys!

I have on the blog today, the third discussion post for SOME GIRLS ARE! Can you believe it guys? We're almost half-way through the Read-Along! Craziness. I want to say a huge THANK YOU to you guys for participating. It's been such fun and I love seeing you guys enjoying the books so much! There's going to be (hopefully) lots of cooling things happening in the next little bit, including giveaways, so be sure to watch the blog!

If you haven't signed-up for the Read-Along and want to know what it's all about, check out this post! (If you want to start participating now, that's awesome! Just leave a comment on this post to let me know) And if you're participating and have a SOME GIRLS ARE post to link-up, make sure to add it here!

***WARNING: Spoilers for page 1 - 181 of SOME GIRLS ARE***

This week starts off with Regina and her mother going into an interview with the school. They want to discuss Regina's absences. Both Regina's mom and her school really frustrate me in this scene. Her mother, after Regina's minor meltdown in the car, should try and figure out what's really going on with her daughter. Instead, she creates a story in her mind (Josh breaking up with Regina) and clings to it. She doesn't want to see anything that could be hard to deal with. Same with the school. I mean, someone spray-painted "whore" on Regina's locker (among other things) and their only concern is that Regina is skipping school? It's ridiculous. But, kind of realistic. They don't want to see a problem, because then it becomes their problem. It happens all the time. What did you guys think? Should Hallowell High be doing more to stop the bullying?

Regina also does something pretty brazen in that opening scene. She slaps Anna. I was both cheering and internally screaming at that scene. Because I knew, just like Regina did, that the slap wouldn't go unpunished. (But that Anna sure has heck deserved it)  

This set of pages has one of the worst scenes (in my opinion) that happens in SOME GIRLS ARE. The closet scene. Regina ends up trapped in a closet with Donnie, put their by people who knew (or heard rumors) about what he had done to her. It is one of those scenes that shocks me to the core every time I read it. But, you know what? The closet scene is only about three pages long. Three pages. What astounds me about that is how much damage Summers' does in just those little pages. Because it sure as heck does not feel like three pages when you're reading it. It feels like twenty. It feels like you're being dragged along this endless, horrible journey. It's not just this short intense scene, but one that creates such horror it feels like it last hours. I know I thought about it a lot after reading it. Because it was like I could feel Regina's terror. Like her terror had become my terror. Courtney Summers' is a brilliant writer because she has this amazing ability to draw you right into the story. She doesn't do it by detailing everything, or by overdoing it with the emotion. Rather, she writes these powerful scenes where every sentence hits you in the heart, to the point where you can't always separate yourself from the book. The closet scene is one of those, and one that seriously ruins me every time I read it. How did you guys react to it? Were you as angry as I was that Josh, Kara, et al. put Regina in that situation?

Regina, now having escaped the closet (freed by none other than Liz Cooper), goes home and gets drunk and ends up passing out in Michael's backyard. Liz is also there, and she an Regina have a bit of an uncomfortable conversation. Drunk apologies don't really go a long way, and Liz doesn't let her Regina off the hook. But she doesn't seem to hate her either. They're at this weird kind of stalemate. There's nothing Regina can do that will erase the pain she's done to Liz. But, Liz isn't a horrible person (as she says "I'm not Anna") so she doesn't like watching Regina suffer either. This scene is short but it leaves you with the impression that, maybe, things could get better. Not to a friendship level. Probably never there. But maybe, that one day they could forgive. Did you guys have the same impression? Interpret the scene differently?

Michael really shines in this section, in my opinion, and I really enjoyed getting to see how their relationship evolves. Michael steals Donnie's car just so Regina can get a little bit of revenge on that jerk (I have many other words to describe him but I'm trying to keep this relatively swear-free). Then we get what, let's be honest, we've all been waiting for: the romantic Regina-Michael kiss. *cue the swooning here* It was perfect because it wasn't perfect. Because it shows us that people have the capacity to forgive. It shows us how powerful it is to forgive. It's that bright spot the story needed. What did you guys think? Did it give you the feels?

We leave off this part on a bit of a cliffhanger (if you stopped at page 181, of course)! Kara and Anna have upped the bullying, and Regina has had enough. She sends the email with all their secrets to everyone in school. Do you guys think it'll make a difference? Do you think Regina did the right thing? 

Next week, we're at the end! Tell me what you think of the book so far!

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

Cracked Up to Be (Discussion Post): The End

Hello, everyone! 

Today is the FINAL discussion post for Cracked Up to Be! We did it! Here are Crimson's thoughts on the end up please let us know what you thought of the book in the comments! And add your review/post about the book here!

*WARNING: Spoilers in the post below!*

The end.

In which everything falls apart and nothing is okay.

A lot happens in the last bit of this book. Dead dogs, relationships gone wrong, secrets revealed, and unfinished art projects.

First of all, Bailey. Yep, Courtney Summers does it. She kills off the dog. Which is a tragedy and should also be its own book genre, just so everyone can know to avoid those books because it’s horribly sad, and there’s no better way to get the tears flowing than have the poor innocent dog hit by a car.

But Bailey’s death leads Parker to admit some pretty shocking things, flipping on its head everything we thought we knew about her. Parker says that she doesn’t just want to stay away from people, she needs to stay away from people, because when people are around her, they get hurt. It’s now no longer that Parker has defenses up to protect herself, she has them up to protect everyone else. And that’s kind of interesting when you think about how first impressions of people, of Parker, can be so wrong.

Parker falls apart. Completely. If we thought we was messed up in the beginning of the book, then it’s taken to another level now. Like I said before, it’s no longer about Parker wanting to stay away from people, it’s that she’s unable to get close to them. Even when she wants to, like with Jake, she can’t really bring herself to. Parker has officially lost control of her life. She no longer has comebacks to everything. She can no longer even finish her sentences half the time.

Parker sums up the problem pretty succinctly:

I get caught up in outcomes. I convince myself they’re truths. No one will notice how wrong you are if everything you do ends up right. The rest becomes incidental. So incidental that, after a while, you forget. Maybe you are perfect. Good. It must be true. Who can argue with results? You’re not so wrong after all. So you buy into it and you go crazy maintaining it. Except it creeps up on you sometimes, that you’re not right. Imperfect. Bad. So you snap your fingers and it goes away.

Until something you can’t ignore happens and you see it all over yourself.

Parker has all these pressures on her from everyone around her, including herself, to be perfect. And then when she’s not, it breaks her.

I don’t know how to make it right again because I’m always wrong.

I’m a bad person.

I don’t think Parker is a bad person. I think people can sometimes be pretty harsh on these supposed mean girl characters because when we’re not dealing with real life (okay, even when we are), it’s easy to forget there’s a lot going on underneath that’s difficult to see.

Okay, so, I’m about to get a little sentimental right now, but I am okay with that on account of this being my last CRACKED UP TO BE post. I went to a private high school like Parker’s in a lot of ways, and it had this motto “The truth will set you free” (it was even, like, sewn into the uniforms), and when I was a teenager I always thought that was really stupid. But it isn’t, because all those secrets and lies we hide behind this image of perfect and everything-is-okay-even-though-I’m-dying-inside kind of destroys us. Just ask Parker.

The ending to this book is not perfect. It doesn’t offer any tidy endings. And maybe that’s why I like it so much. Because there’s no ending to this book wrapping everything up and making everything okay again. Instead, things just seem to get worse until you think they can’t possibly get any worse (until they do), and then you’re stuck wondering, well, where the hell do we go from here?

And it just feels like real life to me. Messy. There’s that tiny ray of hope to the end, so maybe it works out or maybe it doesn’t, but I think that maybe it will. Maybe it’ll be okay. I’m an optimist like that.

Now who’s ready to get their soul crushed by SOME GIRLS ARE?

Heartbreak, hope, and a lot of tears. What did you think of Cracked Up to Be?

And remember: Some Girls Are month starts tomorrow!

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)

Cracked Up to Be (Chapters 13 - 17): Discussion Post

 
Hi all!

Today, Crimson is here to talk some more Cracked Up to Be! Be sure to leave your comments below about this weeks chapters, and what you thought of them. We're getting close to the end, guys! Be sure to add your review (if you have one) to the main post here, and get excited to start Some Girls Are in October! I'll also be announcing the winners of the What Goes Around giveaway in the next couple of days so be on the look out for that. Without further ado!

The third section of CRACKED UP TO BE introduces yet another change in Parker, because a main character wouldn’t be good without a little development every now and then. And this time, Parker’s really laying it all out there. Jake (seems to think he) has it all figured out, calling Parker out for her “bravado” in chapter 13, which Parker doesn’t want to admit it to.

But even though Parker continues to keep herself away from other people, I feel like the nature of it changes now. In chapter 13, Parker does something you would think would be impossible for her judging from the beginning of the book—she apologizes to Jake. I know, crazy. Granted, she throws up right after she does it, so obviously the whole general experience is traumatizing for her. But we can recognize now that Parker’s entire disposition goes beyond just wanting to be cruel and standoffish to people. Like she tells Jake, she genuinely fucked up. Parker implicates herself in this whatever-happened-to-Jessie situation, and we can recognize now that Parker doesn’t just want to push herself away from other people, she feels like she has to. It’s punishment for whatever she thinks she did.

I tend to think of this as the moment when Parker proves she’s not this unlikeable, unsympathetic character. Jake’s right—it’s bravado, put on by a person so messed up by her past mistakes and what she sees as her possible implication in the disappearance of her best friend that she could be driven to (accidentally) try to kill herself.

I don’t think this revelation is shocking, after everything we know about Parker and what this book has been building up to. And while I don’t think conversations about did-she-or-didn’t-she particularly productive, I do wonder if it changes the way she’s viewed? I think we have this tendency to construct our own image of who a person is without letting them get any say in the matter, and often it takes something big or something jarring to shake that construct and allow something fuller, something realer to take its place.

And once that happens, everything starts to break down.

Parker’s world is starting to fall apart.

Evan shows up again. Parker seems to blame Evan a lot for what happened, and judging from his appearance, so does he. However, Evan and Parker handle the situation a lot differently. So what do you make of Evan?

And then what I think is the biggest breakdown so far—Parker cuts off her hair. Side note: one of the things I love the most about Courtney Summers’s writing is the way she presents things so simply—no fanfare, no explanations, no excuses. It just is what it is. The reader can make their own judgements.

So what’s the significance of this moment? In the beginning of the book we see Parker obsessively brushing her hair. She literally describes it as being unable to stop. So obviously hair is a pretty important aspect of how she shows this artificial perfection. When she cuts off her hair, it’s right after Evan comes back, and right after she loses the bracelet, the last connection she seems to have to Jessie. And since her plans to stay away from people don’t seem to be going the way she wanted them to, she has to do something drastic to get back on track. After her mom “fixes” her hair, Parker calls it “horrible,” and says that that’s “good, I guess.”

This is why Parker confuses me (and also why I think she’s a perfect (ha) protagonist). She keeps flipping back and forth, giving in a little and then pulling right back.

 What did you think about this weeks chapters? Comment below!

- Ciara (Lost at Midnight)